My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
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Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I cannot stop laughing at this
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.