A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
You Might Also Like
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
#polloftheday
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I’m Sold!
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Ovenable?