grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
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Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
May have had one breakfast too many
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me