uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
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I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.