When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
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WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
This probably isn’t good
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell