Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all