The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
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[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.