I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
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I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.