He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
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falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Going to church you guys need anything
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
ouch
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch