[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
You Might Also Like
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.