Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
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For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Good Morning.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Passed by a old school Math example today.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.