I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
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[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.