Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
You Might Also Like
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
🙅🏻
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”