“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
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I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.