PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
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Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”