me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
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It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
accurate