[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
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If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
me logging onto twitter
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Whoa. I guess one dude quit: