him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
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My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
ACED my prostate exam!
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.