When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
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My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Noah was an idiot.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Mornin
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?