Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
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I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Lmao
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”