If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
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WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Some of y’all tomorrow …