Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
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[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years