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*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin