This why you should mind your business
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made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
My inexpensive home security system…
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.