Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
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puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird