Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
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You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
She puts the hot in psychotic