[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
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Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.