first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
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4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.