If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
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Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn