People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
You Might Also Like
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.