nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
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Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Here’s a meme
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati