THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
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I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*