[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
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when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.