She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
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Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.