me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
You Might Also Like
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.