if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
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1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!