Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I found your tweet-up…
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Don’t tell me what to do