I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
You Might Also Like
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
🏙👨🏼
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above