Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
You Might Also Like
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I just tested negative for patience.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.