[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
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Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
🤣
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.