I’m confused about plants
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what’s more important?
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.