[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
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Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
58.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti