College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
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My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Living the best life.. 😊
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
uncle dave has been through hell
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Autocarrot sucks!
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or