DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
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Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer