*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
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I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.