“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
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Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.