[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
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How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.