Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
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Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.