We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
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If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.