me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
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Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it